Well, here we are. It’s May again and we’re sitting on the doorstep of Summer. For those who are not aware, May is also Mental Health Awareness Month. I try to make it a point to write something each May so that we can have discussion about one of our most overlooked and misunderstood health issues. It’s taboo to speak about struggling mentally in most corners. In all actuality it should be discussed openly, and some attempt made to give grace and understand when people struggle. Over the last few years I’ve made it part of my own healing process to shed light on the subject. I’m Robert and I struggle with my own mental health. Lets talk about this.

I’ve gone over my background in so many blogs now; I feel like all of you know me pretty well by now. There can be many reasons for someone to struggle with their day-to-day feelings. In all honesty, the more I talk to people, the more I realize that we’re all screwed up in our own way. Now that I’ve thrown that out there, think about yourself for a minute. Are there hidden demons that reside inside of you? I say that right off the bat because that’s where I started out. Many of the events that transpired in my early years lead to the hiding of feelings. I was “trained” to never show emotions. When I was feeling something, I knew it was in my best interest to stuff it down. Years of stuffing everything then turned into this mountain of anger, resentment, and fear that I’d never be well again. Not allowing myself to experience people and moments in my life to their fullest left me empty. I searched for happiness in all the dark corners and prayed to some kind of God to help me find my way.

I’ve had conversations with so many that have been through horrible events in their lives as well. Trauma has many faces and it works on our fears. It messes with our emotions and tempts us to fall deeper into darkness. Don’t go down that path. There is help for all of us out there and believe me when I tell you that it does get better. I’ve stood, alone, in the middle of a park contemplating whether tomorrow was something that I wanted to reach. For me, at that moment it was an awakening brought about by a combination of nature and physical activity. I started out walking and it turned into 40+ years of running. Running saved my life and nature played a part in it as well. To this very day I still head out the door almost daily to get my time in with the outdoors. More walking than running, but the feeling is the same. I’m alive!

No two journeys are the same. No person’s trauma is less important than another’s. I had moments when I talked with someone and felt that I had no reason to feel the way that I do. How could I possibly talk about my problems when they paled in comparison to what someone else was going through. I know that there are many of you out there who have done this. It’s easy to brush our own feelings of sadness or loneliness aside when we make it less important than someone else’s. Why should we put our mental health on a shelf? Why are we so good at making ourselves “less than” others?

Unfortunately the world has sold us on the idea that breaking down mentally means you’re weak. This too was something that I was trained in. The man that groomed me taught me to show nothing because others would exploit it. When in reality, he was the one doing the exploiting. If I showed that I cared for someone, it became a liability. It could put them in harm’s way without them ever knowing it. The pressure to hold back tears at times when I really needed to just set my soul free caused such damage. The few times that I did show emotions was usually in my own room. Hidden from others. Talking myself through so that I could go back out into the darkness and roam…broken and in pain.

First responders, military fighters, health care workers, teachers. The list goes on and on of the many people who do or witness things that put their mental health in jeopardy. The things that our brains have to process are sometimes just too much. The things that I’ve seen play out in my life are things that I’d never wish on anyone. Finding my counselor and processing all of this has been the hardest, yet most rewarding thing that I’ve ever done. Having a professional walk you through all of the mess that has been packed away for years is hard. But I ask you, wouldn’t you rather do that kind of hard? Once I reached my first breakthrough I truly understood how poorly I’d been treating myself for far too long. I never allowed myself to live freely. This is why I chose the title to the book that I’m still working on to be “Silence and Secrets—My journey to breaking free.” I ask that each of you evaluate your own mental wellbeing during this month and throughout the coming months. Ask yourself the hard questions and seek the help you so richly deserve.

Use this month to look around you. Check on others that you might not normally speak with. Ask someone if they’re doing alright and then take the time to actively listen. I know I say this all of the time but words matter. Along with my trauma; I’ve been “gifted.” I have the ability to see through bullshit. There are moments when I can hear the cries for help even though the person is not actually saying the words. I’ve learned to take my trauma and use my abilities for good. I enjoy having conversations with others and really listening to them. I love that people will have open discussions with me because they’ve read my blog. This has been my way of seeking the others who are broken and telling them that it’s alright. Being broken doesn’t mean you’re useless. “Broken crayons still color.”

Take care of yourselves and those around you. Have the conversations that need to be had and take care of your mental health the same way you’d take care of any other part of your body. We spend our lives inside of our own head, and that can be a bad neighborhood. May is mental health awareness month, but I’d like it to become a year round thing. Join me on this journey to better mental health for everyone.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~