A Dream Within a Dream

October 12, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

While enjoying my weekend I decided to thumb through some poetry. I have several books of poetry by different authors, and sometimes I like to dig through some of the classics. I pulled out “A Dream Within a Dream.” This is one that I’m sure a few of you remember. It was written by Edgar Allan Poe. This particular poem is one that beckons a closer look as it speaks to my own feelings of life. How we roll through life and wonder what’s real and what’s a dream, or in some cases nightmare. I’ll write out the poem in it’s entirety so that I can touch on how it makes me feel and what my life has meant to me. The harsh existence of my youth and the desire to hold onto all that is dear to me.

“A Dream Within a Dream” by Edgar Allan Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow-

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand-

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep-while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

I’ve purposely set the text as it was originally done by Mr. Poe. It’s a beautiful piece that questions so much about life. Not only questions life, but shows fear for losing everything that matters. The grains of sand slipping between the fingers. Next time you’re on a beach, take a scoop of sand and hold it dearly in your hands and think of this. Do your very best to hold the sand without letting it slip away.

I talk pretty regularly about how I felt that I’ve lived numerous lifetimes. From my very early years of existence where I was carefree, soft, naïve, and full of wonder. This moved to a darker time in my life that seemed it might be forever. Darkness, liars, deceit, treachery, and loss. Each of these moments I felt as though it wasn’t real. The people and things around me were just part of a dream. I encapsulated myself in my own bubble of survival; never really knowing where I was going or what would become of me. When I did encounter people that made things feel more real, I seemed to switch to the second portion of this poem. I wanted to hold onto them so badly. It was like trying to hold sand in my hand without letting any of the granules slip away. A teacher, a high school sweetheart, even a boss at one of my earliest part-time jobs.. (Legit job) They meant something to me and I wanted to hold onto the feeling of mattering. The feeling of joy, respect, and love.

As my life continued, the closeness that I shared with these people faded. People came and went throughout my life. Life became a revolving door of sorts and I became tired, lost again. When I’d look back at things that I’d been through it was a mixed bag of emotions. All of it seemed as though it almost never happened. Did it really happen? Were these people all real? Along with my everyday feelings, add to this the attempt to sleep. When sleep did come, it brought with it nightmares. Horrible events being regurgitated over and over. The line between awake and asleep became more and more blurred. What was life really? Was I meant to live out my days in this manner?

In my current life, things are much improved. I have a job that provides for my needs. I have a wife that cares for me. I have the things that you want to hold onto. This brings us back to the grains of sand. I wish to hold them in my hand and never let them slide away. The happiness that I feel when I’m with people that bring me back to “the real world.” Yet it’s like a nagging feeling that sits in the back of my mind saying “this is not real.” You’re only dreaming. I know that one day I’ll have to part ways with my wife when my time comes to leave this earth. I feel what Poe was trying to relay. All of it. If you’re spiritual than you probably believe in some form of afterlife. That one day you’ll be reunited with everyone that you’ve loved and was important to you. I’ve always struggled in this arena and think that when I leave, all will be lost. The grains of sand will be swept away into the ocean. That my life will have been a dream within a dream. Don’t feel sorry for me in this moment. Just understand that we have this life and should cherish it. My seeking of peace has been the most important thing. I’ll celebrate what has been shared with me. I’ll cherish the love that I’ve found in this world, so that when the day does come to leave it, I’ll be o.k. My take on “A Dream Within a Dream.”

Thank you for following along on my journey through this life.

~Robert/Zombie~

Side note: Seek out other works by Edgar Alan Poe…Alone and The Raven are amazing pieces of work. Alone is one that I could write about as well.

Truth and accountability

September 20, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I felt the need to delve into a couple topics that I think most can relate to: truth telling, and personal accountability. My view of these topics was built primarily by two influential people. One was my father and the other was his friend who became my boss. This boss was also an underworld figure. The interactions I had with each of them formed my thinking about lying and being accountable. I had a front row seat to what happens when you’re not truthful. Let’s take a look, shall we?

From a very young age it was impressed upon my siblings and I to be truthful when asked about something. My father had a look about him that made you want to be honest. I guess you could call it a healthy fear of the unknown. When questioned about anything it was usually followed up with “if you lie to me, the consequences will be far worse than if you just tell the truth.” His other catch phrase was “if you lie to me, I’ll find out the truth and then you’ll be sorry.” Both of these statements came with serious weight. A young mind is formed by these types of threats. When I wanted to be dishonest in hopes of steering clear of punishment, I always remembered what he said. I can tell you that it wasn’t just a threat, I attempted to skirt the truth on several occasions and he was a man of his word; the punishment was harsh.

Now let’s bring in the friend of my father’s: the underworld figure. The man who guided me through some of the worst shit in my life. He too took the approach of “you’d better never lie to me when I ask you a question.” He also didn’t want to hear excuses for anything. Excuses were met with hostility. I learned that saying the wrong thing brought quick smacks to the head. They were quick, but came with enough force to move your whole body in the direction the head smack pushed you. The lying part was something that I never wanted to face. He made it clear that being truthful was in my best interest if I wished to stay alive.

When I talk about it now, it still sends a shiver down my spine. To think that I lived through this is almost unimaginable. To talk about it is both cleansing and terrifying. When I hear a child telling a small fib or lying about what they’ve done, it brings all of this screaming back. I cringe and think to myself, “NO, don’t tell a lie, you don’t know how bad this is going to be.” When truthfully, children tell fibs all the time and most learn in a healthier fashion that they shouldn’t do so. I have to remember that it’s not the same world I came from. They won’t suffer the same abuse, nor will there be the threat of disappearing. This too is part of the “not seeing things” that I need to work on. Sometimes I just need to put the blinders on and let things be. I’m working on it.

All of this being said, I look at this way of life that I lived as both a curse, and a blessing. The way in which I learned not to lie was ugly to say the least, but it’s formed an ability to both seek truth and speak it. There are no longer threats tied to what I say, but I’m unable to lie. I also believe in “owning my shit.” This means that if I do something that is wrong, I don’t push it towards someone else. I don’t look for a way to avoid whatever may come with the mistake, I simply say “yep, I did that.” Now, the unfortunate part of this is that I have to watch others do the opposite and that group seems to be growing. What makes someone think it’s alright to sidestep responsibility? Why does it seem that so many find it so easy to attempt to lie? I say attempt because when they cross paths with someone like me, I usually see through it. Some people are just the absolute worst liars. If you pay close attention when someone is being untruthful, there will usually be a sign. It’s my belief that we’re wired to want to tell the truth and when we fight that, there’s something in our physical make up that rejects the lie. A twitch, a stutter of words, or the inability to look you in the eye. People want to tell you the truth, and they will, even if it doesn’t come from their mouths.

Personal accountability is something that has been in numerous discussions of late. When humans go out into the world and do things that put them in harm’s way, there has to be some level of accountability on their part. Again, we all make mistakes, we all do dumb things. Rather than accepting that reality it seems that there are those in the world who insist it must be someone else’s fault. (I could go on about lawyers right here, but we’ll save that for another blog.) When you deal with humans the first thing you have to remember is that we’re imperfect. Mistakes are bound to happen. So, I guess the question is, at what point is someone responsible for their own actions? Say, for example, that I get up late for work and think I can still make it on time if I speed all the way there, but then get caught by a train. If I choose not to accept accountability, it now becomes the train’s fault. The blame has shifted from the original sin over to a party that had absolutely nothing to do with my not getting out of bed in time for work. I could give many different scenarios like this, but I think you get the point. Is it now passed on, or taught to be deceptive? Shift the blame for the sake of shifting the blame? If so, how did this happen? While my way of learning was to the extreme, there has to be a way to make sure that the traits that I’ve learned are passed on. Again, I see this desire to be less than truthful on a daily basis, and it’s alarming to me.

Some of you might read this and think; “that’s a pretty intense way to look at things.” I might agree with that statement which is why I give my back story. Yet I think there is work to be done in our society as a whole. Isn’t it better for the soul to be truthful? Isn’t it a better society if we all take accountability for our own actions? Will mistakes be made? Of course, we’re human. The difference is that we’re not lying, or shifting blame to areas that it doesn’t belong. I speak of the blurred line all the time and this is an area that really shouldn’t be blurred. “If you did it, own it and move on.” Unlike the punishment that awaited me if I didn’t tell the truth, we can move through mistakes and teach in a more positive fashion.

I was hoping that this purge would be thought provoking today. It’s one of the hundreds of topics that’s resided in my head waiting to hit the keyboard. I say all the time that the universe has a way of telling me when it’s time to pull a topic off the shelf. With so much uncertainty in the world and lying being so prevalent. Perhaps we should look for better ways. Look for better people to align ourselves with. Look for ways to tell the truth and be alright with what might come with that…good, or bad. This is all part of my seeking peace. I can live a cleaner life knowing that I have nothing to hide. I can be honest and feel good about it. I guess it’s just something that I wish for others to achieve. Peace comes with clarity, and clarity comes with truth.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey thorugh this life.

~Robert/Zombie~

National Suicide Prevention Month: Be the difference

September 10, 2026September 10, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

September is National suicide prevention month. I feel that it’s my duty, and honor to write about this subject. I’ve been around those that have felt that suicide was the only answer to problems they were having in their lives. I’ve heard stories of great sorrow, and loss. A person in a situation where they feel there’s no other choice but to leave this world is not doing so because they’re selfish. They just feel that it’s the only way to stop the pain that they’re feeling. We all know that the ones left behind suffer from the loss, but what about the one living in silent turmoil that just needs peace. Sometimes their peace is the ultimate sacrifice.

A dear friend of mine shared a story with me this morning that has truly torn at my soul. There are those among us that are trying their very best to do right by themselves. While they may suffer from some form of mental illness, there’s still a desire to quiet the demons. In this particular case, this gentleman was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He was seeing his doctor, taking his meds and doing the things to keep things in order. For reasons unknown at this writing, he was switching his medical program. It could have been for any number of reasons. Closer to his home, higher level of care offered, we just don’t know yet. He chose a place to set up his care with and was given an appointment. Being that he was transitioning to a new care system, it was clear that he had enough medication before seeing the new doctor. The appointment time came close, and the new provider reached out and stated that they needed to reschedule his appointment. This put him in a position of running out of meds, but only by a few days, so it was figured that he would be fine. The office then reached out for a third time and asked to reschedule the appointment due to the doctor being out that day. This left him out of medication for many days. On the evening before his third rescheduled appointment, his demons had won the fight. His mother had found him with a weapon and tried to talk him back down, but was unsuccessful. He left this earth by his own hand in front of his mother. You now have the loss of this human, and his mother will suffer endlessly for her remaining days because she witnessed the end of her son’s life. Tragedy on so many levels. The ripple affect reaches far and wide.

This brings so many things to the surface that I write about on here. Mental illness is important. It needs to be treated in this country as any health condition. In my opinion, it’s the most important health, because it deals with your brain. Your internal thought process for all things in your world. How does it come to be that someone that is doing everything they can to keep in balance falls through the cracks so easily? There’s so much to unpack with this story, and the sad part is it’s not an unusual story. In fact, it’s very common. Suicide rates in males is four times higher than females in the United States. I purposely mention this because there are so many males that have been raised to believe mental illness, or a glimpse of it in their world is a sign of weakness. One of the very reasons that I keep talking about my mental illness struggles is so that other people (especially males) will see that it’s ok to not be ok. To speak out about their feelings, not hide them. To share with loved ones when they’re having feelings of doubt, loneliness, or depression. It does not make you less than! I say this because I was raised and then trained to be just that kind of person. To feel nothing, to show no feelings, to care for no one…including myself. We have to stand up and be seen.

This story is so traumatic because it was preventable. Something else we need to consider. Don’t look away when someone is in need. Don’t be so quick to judge, or label another. You don’t know their story and what they’ve been through, or are currently going through. I’ve started speaking out much more with those in my orbit because I want them all to become comfortable with sharing their feelings. I want people to talk, openly about things that have caused them to struggle. If we get this kind of network going, it makes you realize that you’re not as alone as you once thought you were. In my last blog I talked about a group of people at my work that surprised me with their kindness, and dedication to helping others. That pulled me back from the edge that I talk about all the time. When I start to spiral and begin to let the demons take the wheel. I know how I’ve felt in my life and when I’ve struggled the most. I can’t even fathom what this man was feeling to leave in the manner that he did. At my very darkest hour, I was saved by nature, and running. How I wish that someone could’ve been able to assist this man in some manner to let him know that tomorrow will bring new. To get him the medication that he needed. To make things right so that he could live out a full life.

Where do we go from here? We do our best to help, empathize, listen to others. Don’t point fingers, or giggle behind someone’s back. Take the time to put yourself in another’s shoes. Take that moment to be understanding, and feel what they might be feeling. This man’s story and many others like him are tragic. Please, take time this month to do your part to be a good human. Let’s look for a way to make the suicide rate in this country trend down. I’ll continue to write, work on myself, and look for ways to reach others. As I stated, I feel that it’s my duty. When you are in your hour of need, I’m sure you’d want someone to reach out and help you. To guide you forward and believe that tomorrow is a new day to start over and make things right.

Thank you so much for following along on my journey through this life.

~Robert/Zombie~

Recharging Humanity: Embracing Empathy in Daily Life

September 7, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve had a few days of “rest” and feel a bit more alive. I think there are times when you get so caught up in life around you that you simply forget to breathe and just live your best life. I do my best to keep my focus geared towards the positive. Trying to believe that humanity hasn’t all turned to shit. I’ve been working on not seeing everything, or at least not as closely as I normally do. It’s a work in progress. I have to unlearn things that have been literally beaten into my head. All the watching and studying of humans won’t fade easily or without a fight from my internal guide. I’ve expressed a feeling of terror leaving myself to be vulnerable to outside forces. My job has always been to study and then plan accordingly. What happens if I don’t keep watching? My belief has always been that someone will get the upper hand on me and rip my shield from me. The line of good and evil, the forever battle.

I recently had to reach out to a group of people to ask for assistance. It’s work related, but being that I spend a good portion of my life there, it’s important. When I sat with, or spoke with each person that was part of this plan, I was caught off guard. I was met with genuine care. There was no begging on my part and no hesitation on theirs. It was simply me asking for something and receiving it. I have to tell you that this one set me back for a moment. I’ve become so accustomed to having to fight for everything that this didn’t seem real. I’ve preached for my entire career that in order to get things done, you have to work and think as a team. You have to have empathy and look beyond yourself. Every one of us will have moments of need or struggle. (That is a fact!) We need to find a way to be better to each other. To look at the person next to you and treat them as you’d want to be treated. “Look at the we, not the me.” While it may not seem like a big deal to some, it was pivotal in my day, my world. I reached out and found that there is still hope in this world.

Photo by Cafer Caner u015eavli on Pexels.com

In the end, we are all just humans trying to get by. We want the best for our families, and perhaps a slice of happiness mixed in. Why is that so hard? This moment mentioned above shows me that (sometimes) people really do care. We don’t want others to suffer unnecessarily. While none of the people that I reached out to even knew the whole story behind my asking for help, they still held the line. They still stepped up and showed up. That’s huge in my eyes. I’ve taken the time to thank all of them. It wasn’t just that they went the extra mile, it was because without knowing, they pulled me back from the edge that I’ve been sitting on for a minute now. They didn’t just help get a job done, they made me believe that things can change. People can show up and help one another.

I’m sure that everyone has been inundated with political commercials lately. The never ending political machine continues to find ways to divide all of us. I’ve yet to see a single ad where a politician is telling what they want to do to make my life better. Everything is fueled with hatred, and “us vs them” vitriol. It’s a glimpse, and a reminder of the world that I stepped away from; the one where I was always told to never trust anyone. We’ve even gone to simply calling people or states Red or Blue. Have the powers that be decided to take the direction of “crips vs bloods?” If you don’t pay attention to street life, it’s a never ending cycle of hate and distrust. If someone hurts you, you have to hurt them back. Why? Because somewhere along the way it was determined by someone unknown to be the way of the world.

I had to draw in the comparison to the political arena because it’s relevant. In all parts of our world we need to continue to look out for our brothers and sisters. There is no physical border that separates us. Regardless of your race, religion, political affiliation or your wealth, we are one as humans. I didn’t really understand this as a young man. I looked at everyone with distrust, carried the chip on my shoulder because I was poor. Even looked at myself as trash. As for the man that sits here typing away on his keyboard right now, I’m filled with the belief that we can do better, and we will do better. Funny, isn’t it? That one random act of kindness made me view the world in an entirely different light. Sometimes, it’s the smallest things that make the biggest impact.

Close-up wolf portrait split between warm light and cool shadow — A striking split-toned wolf portrait contrasts warm sunlight with cool shadow.

I’ll close out tonight by saying thank you to those around me that stood up for one another. For giving me a glimpse of human kindness. It’s a rare thing, but I think we can spread it. I’m stepping into my day a little less sad. I’m “recharged,” if you will. Perhaps this is a sign of things to come. I’m going to lean into this one and see where it goes. I already know where the other path goes. The two wolves story comes to mind yet again. One side of the wolf’s face is full of light and love, the other is darkness and deceit…which one will you feed?

Thank you for following along on my journey through life.

~Robert/Zombie~

Navigating Dreams and Darkness

August 29, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I know that there were some who were either terrified by my last blog posting, or concerned. When I come to this blog site, it’s both informative (hopefully), and my dumping ground of sometimes the darkest feelings. It’s a tool of sorts for me. I’m able to better express myself through my typing because as I’ve stated before, I’m better able to keep up with the speed of my thoughts by typing. The days of sitting with a pen or pencil are long gone. Once I discovered the typewriter, or the keyboard in general, there was no looking back. There’s also a level of comfort this way. No one is looking at me, I can go through all the emotions without anyone seeing them first hand. I’m sure that you’ve gathered, if you’ve read this over time, that I’ve been very secretive throughout my life. I’m working on being more comfortable having open discussions with others about my past. I’ve made great breakthroughs this year, but there are still times that I don’t want everyone to know or see “all the things.” My counselor Amy is the only human who currently knows (almost) all of my secrets.

In my last blog I starting talking about having nightmares again. This was a topic of discussion with my counselor this week and we’ve decided that it’s my subconscious attempting to “cut” away from the darkness of my past. My dreams have been vivid and disturbing. We discussed some of the events and went through how I felt about them in order to find a connection. Dreams can be loaded with symbolism and we were able to connect some of the dots. I also believe that these dark blogs that have surfaced are part of my desire to continue to break free. Learning to use my “second sight” as well as learning how to shut it down are the next steps forward. Because I see everything, that means that I also start to think about it, carry it, work towards building up armor against everything. There are some things that I literally need to learn to not see, or not react to.

There has been a steady stream of things that have caused my shield to be raised up from my side. In ancient warfare, shields were essential for defense, and this metaphor illustrates the believer’s reliance on divine strength. I talk about shields, armor, and even walls. I’ve relied on these types of mental barriers to keep me safe. To hold my sanity intact. There are some things that would’ve absolutely broken me had I not put my shield in place. This too has fed into my dreams. Fighting demons, shadowy figures, and perhaps the devil himself. Scenes that mimic what I may have encountered earlier in my life, and some that are settings you’d see in the ugliest horror films. My next steps are to try to ride these dreams out, and when I wake, write them down instead of my current safeguard of purging them from my mind. The thought process is that there’s a story to be told in all of this. My subconscious is trying to tell me something and I need to listen.

Photo by u1f10u03bcu03bcu03b1u03bdu03c5u03b5u03bb uf8ff on Pexels.com

Rather than sitting in my chair asking why, I need to sit still prior to sleep and attempt to ask for answers… Let my brain start to do its work and give it some “food for thought” so that it takes me where I need to go. Much like anything I’ve encountered with getting healthy, it’s unsettling. Yes, I’m scared, but I fear slipping away, or being mentally lost to more than nightmares. I have a shirt that I wear on occasions that says KFG on it. “Keep F*cking Going.” I’m leaning into that all the time. While some may think it’s only a slogan, or it’s only a t-shirt, to me it shows my determination to never quit. It’s one of several hashtags that I’ve used for many years. Never quitting is also something that I preach to any who come to me for advice. To those who might be struggling with their own demons. To anyone who reads my blogs. Know this; when I write on here, no matter how deep or dark it gets I’m never going to quit. At the darkest point in my life I made the choice to remain in this world. I’ve never wavered in my conviction to keep moving forward. I made a solemn promise to myself that I can never go back on.

Photo by stein egil liland on Pexels.com

I speak often of the child that still resides inside of me. I look to nurture and protect him in the manner that he always desired. I think if I stopped, if I quit, it would be no different than abandoning this boy. I picture a child standing in the middle of a dirt road and me driving away. I picture this because it’s one of the dreams that I’ve seen through. As if a camera was jumping the scene back and forth, from close-up to distant, I could see the tears falling from his face, the lost and lonely look of defeat. All the while the distance between the boy and myself continued. It was one of the hardest hitting dreams to date for me.

I’ll wrap this up today with my positive upswing. I’m still here. I’m still working on, and aware of my problems. I’m going to Keep F*cking Going because it’s what survivors do. I said those very words to a person close to me just the other day. “I won’t falter, I’ll be alright because I’m a survivor and it’s what we do.” If you’ve been worried, I appreciate it, but I’m finding my way. This is all part of the process to becoming whole. The ebbs and flows of my life. It just happens to be on full display every time I sit at this keyboard and write. I’m still here and I’ll be alright.

Thank you for following along on my journey through this life.

~Robert/Zombie~

The Path to Recovery: Embracing Life’s Trials

August 26, 2026August 26, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

This is a world that I feel safe in. The sound of my keyboard beneath my fingertips, clicking away at the speed of my thoughts. I come here to step away from the “Real World.” More and more I question so many things around me. I work relentlessly to pull myself back from the edge. I’ve had a good run going for a bit, but can’t seem to shake this nagging feeling of hopelessness. I’ve taken to having nightmares again. Not the reoccurring ones that plagued me for years, but new horrible ones that have me forcing myself awake. Some have been so vivid and dark that I’ve forced myself to forget them when I awake. I can’t seem to settle unless I drive them out of my memory. I find myself sitting in my chair speaking aloud “what is going on?” What has triggered these dreams?

There have been people in my orbit who have disappointed me. There have also been those who have turned their back to me. I’ve encountered those who are looking to challenge my strength. This puts me back in a place of darkness. I find myself wondering why I stepped out of the shadows and revealed myself to the world. Did I make the right choice? Was I better off staying in hiding? To say that I lack the ability to truly trust another human is an understatement. In my mind, there is always an agenda.

Just typing those words holds sadness for me. The constant battle within of child and adult looking for a way out. The feeling of screaming in an open field with no one to hear me. This too is something that I’ve discussed with my counselor on more than one occasion. What is it that I need to fill this void? What can put out the fire of rage? I’ve been told to pray, to look to God for the answers. I’ve looked to God and begged for guidance. I spent my youth praying in my bed for something to change; for life to feel free. The best thing that perhaps was guided by a higher power was the gift of Karla to my life. The one true human who looks at me without pity, without fear. She looks at me with love in her eyes. She looks at me as though I’m the strongest human alive. I want to be able to see myself as she does. I want to look at others and believe that they are good as well.

James 1:12: “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him.”

It looks like it’ll be another short night of sleep, but I really needed to get these thoughts out of my head. I was told in an Al-anon meeting that “the length of time that you’ve been sick, is the length of time you require to heal.” Given that kind of timeline, I look to stay in recovery for years to come. As my counselor said “you’ll have these ups and downs for the rest of your life.” I’m trying to grasp that and remember that I need to give grace even when it feels impossible. Believe me when I tell you that I’d much rather be chatting on here about happier things. I’d rather be done saying all the quiet things out loud. I remember some time back writing about “finding my way back to center.” There is so much to unpack in those words. If nothing else, my writing will shed light on the damage that is caused to children that carries into their adult life. It pushes aside the idea that we can just “grow through” things. No, you never grow through it, you look for ways to deal with it so that you can fall asleep at night. It also rings the alarm bell that people are struggling all over this country; only to have others turn a blind eye to the suffering. It’s easy to label someone as crazy or sick. There’s comfort in pointing the finger of judgement at another.

I’ll be heading off to bed now. My day starts early and I need to put on the face that’s required to walk among others. I always look to morning as a fresh start. No matter how bad I might be feeling at this moment, I get a chance to make things right. I think I’ll leave it at that for now.

Thank you for following along on my journey through life.

~ZOMBIE~

Detaching With Love

August 9, 2026August 9, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

It’s said that “you can’t choose your family.” There’s some truth in that statement. When we arrive into this world, the parents that we receive aren’t chosen by us. Nor are the siblings that we are surrounded with. A bond is formed as time progresses and we’re taught that we are to love and protect one another. In many cases, our family members can become our best friends. There are also cases in which we become strangers. Family dynamics are something that I’ve dived into before. The complexities that have surrounded my family have been maddening at times, but I’ve always tried to stay the course. Time, space, and other factors get mixed in and things aren’t always what they seem. To say that I come from dysfunction is fair, but I also believe that all families have some level of dysfunction within their structure.

My life has been a blur at times. Things seem to move faster as time goes on. When I was younger, I wished to be older so that I would gain respect. Yeah, that’s not a thing, but I was young and still learning the world around me. I caution anyone who’s in a hurry to grow up to stop doing that. Slow down and enjoy being young. Enjoy all the things that children, tweens, and even teens should be doing. Life will speed up before you know it and you’ll be wondering, like the rest of us what happened and where all the time went.

Time spent with family also changes with time. When you’re younger and grouped together with your siblings, and parents, there is a level of comfort. You’re with the people that you’ve been around for years. Parents are supposed to be our everything when we’re young. Friendships start to develop, school, part-time jobs, – all the things that start to welcome you to the outside world. This can be exciting times. Learning that the world is so big, and that there are so many people out there who think and feel differently from what you’ve become accustomed to. This can also be an introduction to the darker side of things: People who are looking to feed on you before you’re mature enough to fend for yourself. That has been a big part of my story on here. The wolf that came in sheep’s clothing and changed my life forever.

Through everything, my love for my family and my desire to always protect them never wavered. I promised to never speak of my life in the underground in order to keep my family from harm. I took on the responsibility of the protector by sacrificing myself. All through my life I stayed close to my family. Forever watchful for any darkness that would try to find its way into the home. I gave warning when I sensed danger approaching. I took care of business when someone got too close or tried to harm my sisters. Even my father who was tough as nails had a habit of allowing bad people to remain in his orbit. I’d whisper my thoughts to him. He seldom listened to me, and just wrote me off as a paranoid child – not knowing that I was skilled in the art of deception myself. I was a professional voyeur and recognized evil. My sisters listened from time to time. Again, looking at me as the overprotective brother. Letting people find their own way even when you know it’s not going to go well is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You can only wait until things get broken and hope that you’ll be able to help pick up the pieces and put them back together. It’s safe to say that I’ve always loved my sisters. Life lessons sometimes just have to be learned the hard way. I can’t save the world.

I’ve said before that if you’re in my circle, I’m fiercely loyal and protective. I’ll always step up to protect my family. While I didn’t choose them, there is still a bond that’s forged from years of being with one another. Not all family members are like this. Perhaps I should say that over time, they change. I think we can all agree that we probably don’t spend as much time around siblings as we’ve grown older. Perhaps a get together in the summer or around a holiday. It’s understandable because life ramps up, kids come into the picture, jobs, all the things. Some might even take your company for granted. This is where things become murky.

My mother (rest in peace) learned from her mother before her how to divide and conquer. What I mean by this is that she would tell one of her children something and the other something completely different. This caused friction between siblings. A friction that only the mother could then control. A master of puppets if you will. This carried through the family and caused issues as we became adults. There was always something that we were mad at each other about. My sister Gini seemed to get caught up in the web of deception on numerous occasions and would stay angry for months or longer at a time. Jealousy and betrayal were words that I could use to describe what was happening. All of it was based on nothing. Then when my mother was in her final month of life, she pulled me aside and asked me to repair the damage. To make the family whole again. She placed at my feet the burden of trying to repair what she had broken. I’d already started a group text with my sisters so that we were all aware of what was really being said. It was the beginning. Hoping it would grow and we could all be whole again.

Years later, I’ve discovered that not only was it unfair for my mother to place that weight on me, but it was a task that was undeliverable. Even as siblings, we’re all humans first. Humans make their own choices and will do things even when you attempt to warn them. Some things are just broken beyond repair. It’s taken me time to understand all of this, but I do now. One of the sayings from Al-anon was to learn to “detach with love.” Meaning that you need to let them go, but it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them. The other thing that always comes to mind is the poem “Reasons, Seasons and Lifetime”. While you’d think that family falls directly into Lifetime, that’s not always the case. I’ve seen it in my own family in different generations, and I’ve watched it play out in other families. We’re flawed humans, and we don’t always make the right moves. When this happens now…I simply detach with love.

Part of the discussion with my sister Leanna on our walk today was life going forward. I told her that I’ve been isolated throughout so much of my life, when people drop out of it I wonder will it hurt me later down the road? When my circle becomes smaller, will I feel that my decisions were a mistake? My thought today is no. I loved my parents dearly. While I speak of my mother’s flaws, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t care about her all the way to the end. It simply means that I saw through those flaws and allowed her to be who she was. There have been moments with my siblings when I just shook my head in disbelief over things either said or done. It doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving any of them. I had to find it within myself to keep moving forward. Perhaps they were a Reason or a Season as well. Maybe it was their job to look over me during a period of time and then set me free. All things that I think about on my journey through this life.

As always, thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Facing the Storm

July 25, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

So, I’ve made it through another week. I’m not sure what keeps gnawing at me but I feel uneasy. A regular trip to Costco caused anxiety to kick into high gear. Aisles felt too tight, people rushing all around me became dizzying. I usually do well in this environment, but today felt different. I’ve been busy self analyzing (which you shouldn’t do) and come up with nothing. To describe the feeling, it’s like you can see and feel a storm on the horizon. I feel the breeze picking up, the change in the air temperature, the colors before me turn dark. Something is brewing…I just don’t know what it is.

After my last session with my counselor we’ve decided to push forward with EMDR. (EMDR therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a psychotherapy technique designed to help individuals process and heal from traumatic memories.) I have several sessions scheduled as this is the best way to dig into what’s going on. I’ve stated before that this is helpful therapy for me, but I also tend to be nervous, and perhaps a little frightened. If you’re wondering why I’d be scared, it’s because this opens up doors to things that you’ve slammed shut. The numerous traumas that you’ve experienced all want to come back to the surface. When you’ve spent a lifetime hiding things away, this can be overwhelming.

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Let me say that I trust my counselor implicitly. She has guided me through so much already. I have no reason to fear her at this point. What I fear is what lies beneath the surface. The storm that is waiting and ready to unleash its full power. I’ll try to put this into perspective so that it’s palatable. Let’s say that you witness an armed robbery. You see the violence that’s involved, the gun being wheeled around and pointed at some innocent person’s face. All of this happens in a matter of moments, but your brain records all of it in slow motion. While it records it, it can also distort what you’ve seen. Your brain has a way of trying to protect you. It immediately begins damage control. Placing items into boxes and storing them away so that you’re able to go about your day. The adrenaline dump can cause your nervous system to go at super high speeds. Again, the brain works to slow you down, bring you back to earth. When you’ve experienced horrible situations on a regular basis, your brain becomes overloaded. So much so that it can just shut down. I’ve talked about these moments when triggered by something. How things spin out of control and I just shut down. The ultimate in protection is to seal everything away. My brain has taken a huge portion of my life and has placed the most traumatic parts into boxes, and stored them under lock and key. The reason: to protect my sanity.

This brings us to doing the EMDR. This process helps you to unpack the boxes slowly and with care. Thus, keeping me safe from the harm that my brain felt was too much at that time. I’ve found in previous sessions with EMDR that numerous things that I’d seen and never thought for a moment were causing me harm were the worst offenders. While the brain is protective, it’s also clever. The problem with how everything has been stored is that it’s been stored in a container that, after sitting for years, is now leaking. All of the ugliness has begun leaching into your entire system. It’s now poisoning you while it runs its course through your veins. EMDR is used to remediate things that are causing you harm.

I’ve reached another plateau in my drive to become whole. Do I fear what is waiting inside of my stored boxes? Absolutely, but I understand that in order for me to find the peace that I desire within myself, I have to do the work. As my counselor stated previously “you’ll go through these ups and downs for the rest of your life.” Knowing that, don’t you think it’s better to face the storm head on? Leaving things unresolved leads to more fractures and further feelings of unhappiness. Finding a way out of this is what I desire. I can’t change the things that have happened to me. I also can’t just say that they’re all in the past. While they reside in the past, my brain has held the darkness tightly. It’s time to release it, but in a controlled environment, and with care.

I’ll hold it together until I begin my process. I’ve gained strength through the years. The idea that I’m sitting here telling the world all of my secrets is proof that I’m progressing. This is part of my therapy and a reason to keep going. I know that others suffer greatly, and I see you. Something else that’s come about over the years is that I’ve begun carrying other’s burdens as if they were my own. I’ve seen the hurt in eyes and wanted to remove it. I need to understand that my story is my own and that I can write about my journey, share my feelings, but I mustn’t take on anyone else’s pain. The load that I carry now can be too much at times. To add extra weight is an act of futility.

The storm is coming, I feel it. I’d like to think that the vessel is strong enough to weather this storm. Not only weather it, but come through it to the other side where calm waters await me. Thank you for reading this entry today. I need to purge these feelings, or at least say them out loud so that it all feels real. My world was a secret for most of my life. I don’t want it to be a secret any longer.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

Don’t Let The Hard Days Win

July 19, 2026July 19, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

“Don’t let the hard days win.” The words scroll across the chest of my t-shirt. What exactly is behind this phrase? To me it is a reminder that when things start to get bad in my mind, I can’t allow them to get out of hand. Regardless of what part of the anatomy is being challenged, the processing still goes through the brain. Our minds are powerful and can alter every part of the body. Breathing can change, the ability to speak can be taken away, and the heart can race. This is the power that our mind has over the rest of the system. I suffer from PTSD and have found another’s description of it to be spot on: PTSD says, “I’ll replay your nightmares while you’re awake. I’ll drag you back to the moment you broke. Every sound and every smell, will remind you you’re never safe.” That’s a very true assessment and part of my hard days. While I’ve escaped my nightmare of youth, it still haunts me. Let’s talk about this.

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I suppose I’ll start by asking what does a hard day look like to you? Waking up on the wrong side of the bed? Another phrase that’s used regularly. Waking up and just not “feeling it.” It’s as though everything that you stumble across turns to crap. Perhaps an overload of assignments at your work place? That’ll stress anyone out. Car breaking down, dog is sick, late getting to an appointment, the list is endless of things that can be considered part of a hard day.

There are those in this world that would think most of the things I spoke of are easy. I wrote about this prior and asked “what is your hard?” I also like to ask when faced with these hard days, or challenges, what are you willing to do? When things seem insurmountable what is it that keeps you going? Some of life’s challenges can come from within. The rest of the world aside, things that sit inside of us can become crippling at times. This is when you have to dig deep to find a way forward.

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All of the many barriers that have been placed in front of me throughout my life have paled in comparison to the one that was created within my own head. In all fairness, I was forced to become self sufficient when it came to my mental stability. Traumatic events that were witnessed lead me to a world within myself. In order to maintain my sanity I had to stuff emotions away. Walk with a smile as though nothing was wrong. Place the mask on my face that would hide the darkness that raged inside of me.

“The child who wasn’t comforted still lives inside the adult who doesn’t ask for help.” ~Ticus poetry~

I reference the mask because you see it so much in society. There is so much that is hidden away. When I take my long walks I’m always wondering about all of the many humans that are playing out their own version of life in each home as I pass. Regardless of the size and stature of the dwelling, there is always a hidden story. This brings me back to the title of the book that I’m still working on “Silence and Secrets.” There was a time that I’d thought I was the only one who hid my secrets away. I’ve grown to understand that we all do it. The level to which we take it is where the difference comes in.

My hard days now are more about sliding backwards. I’ve worked hard to dig my way out of a pit that I never thought possible. It seems as though just when I’m about to reach the top, without warning, something just drags me back down. It’s frustrating and hurts to my core. I can tell you that it doesn’t even take an event to trigger this, I can literally just wake up this way. Flick of a switch! The rush of anger, betrayal, and darkness descend upon me. This is my version of that hard day. I’m grateful that I have some years of counseling under my belt now, but even with that I find myself questioning my progress. In my most recent session, I was trying to explain this feeling. A feeling that I’m sh*t. Make that make sense. I have homework now and my assignment is to write two separate lists. On one; all the reason that I think I’m sh*t. On the other I’m to write why I’m not. I’ll let you know later how that goes.

“I say I’m fine, so you believe it. I laugh, so you stop asking. I joke, so you don’t worry.”

Again, I go through all of this so that I can both cleanse myself of any bad feelings, but to also let others know that they’re not alone. I know that there are others out there who look at themselves as “not good enough” or, as in my case, feel that they are sh*t. We’ve all found our way down this path of deception, but from different trails. The how we got here is important for our own story, the ability to fight our way through these days should be a united front. In my absolute worst moments, I believed that things could still get better. I believed in the power of tomorrow. I still have to tell myself that when I feel like I’m sh*t; that I’ll feel better again. Although I’ve dug my way to the top of the pit and unfortunately slid back down, I have the power to pick myself up and start digging again. I refuse to quit. I refuse to take the assessment of a single morning believing that I’m sh*t and carry it forward.

The path forward is whatever you want it to be. I’ll get busy on my homework and write out all the things. I’ll do it because I know that it’ll help me to better understand myself. It’ll help me to choose the right path. It’ll help me to divulge all of the secrets and bring them into the light. I’ve been told that this is the way things will be for me for the rest of my life. I’ve learned to accept that. I’m just trying to get to a place that when the bad days hit, I’m the best version of me I can be. If I am, I’ll have the power to say “not today.” So please, don’t let the hard days win.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

The Hustle of Life: Lessons from Struggles

July 11, 2026July 11, 2026 / Zombie / Leave a comment

I’ve taken my long walk today and allowed myself that time to process the many things that roll through my mind throughout the work week. I look forward to my time on the road and then sitting down to share the many things that are seen through the eyes of Zombie.

There are times when I feel that the universe is reaching out to me to say something. When I come across a topic that perhaps I’ve been holding for awhile. I get a nudge from somewhere, a voice if you will that says “write about this.” When this happens I know that it’s time to grab my keyboard and get to it, so here we are.

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As always, I’m looking at this through my own perspective on life. My views have been shaped by the way I grew up and the experiences that I’ve been through. Today’s topic has to do with work -specifically the work ethic, or in some cases, the lack thereof. I did a blog earlier that went into my work history and gave my feelings about jobs. I think events, comments, and actions by others have prompted me to once again get into this.

If by chance you grew up poor, there is a possibility that you’ll understand my view. I came from a home that on many occasions was lacking in the basic necessities of life. There was a struggle to keep lights on, heat during the winter, and of course adequate food. I still to this day have food insecurity issues from my childhood. I panic inside if I don’t feel that there is enough food in our pantry. While I can look at it and see the food, my brain is telling me that there’s not enough. I can still remember looking into cabinets, searching for something, anything that would make my stomach stop hurting. Until you’ve gone without food, you truly have no idea how terrible of a feeling that is, and what it does to you for the rest of your life.

In order to offset these shortcomings; I found what I thought was a ticket to a better life. It was presented by a man that was friends with my father. As you’re all aware by now; this was the man that would groom me to become a street hustler. I learned by watching and studying humans how to maneuver through darkness and become something that I never wanted to be. Why did I go this route? Hunger and the lack of human necessities to survive. While the work was tough and I had to keep everything away from my family, the short money was covering for shortfalls in my life. It wasn’t about having extravagant things, it was about eating, staying warm, feeling some kind of security. That security came at a hefty cost that I would only come to realize later in my life.

Throughout my working life there have been times that I would remind myself of things that I was taught by this underworld figure. He had numerous sayings that he would toss around on a very regular basis. “Don’t ever trust anyone” was always the #1 rule of the day followed closely by “There’s a cost to everything in this world, nothing is free.” Learning to understand those statements and implement them properly in my life was confusing. If I can’t trust anyone, how will I ever love? How will I ever have a friend? If I can only rely on myself, where does that leave me?

So many questions with so few answers. It’s probably why I’ve struggled so with relationships. I look at people as though they’re either a predator, or a “mark.” Once again, everything to me is simply black or white, life or death. “Nothing is free” then makes you wonder when someone wants to assist you in some fashion, what is it that they truly want? Why would anyone want to help without wanting something in return? The saving grace was encountering some special people over the years who proved to me that I could trust them. They asked for nothing from me, it was just them being good humans.

This leads me back to my original topic: work. I’ve encountered people who have struggled much the same as I have. They were always busting ass to make it. Grateful for their paycheck and willing to go the extra mile. I’m competitive by nature and have always felt that I’d “never let anyone out hustle me.” Whatever you were willing to do at work, I’d step up on you. My drive and passion are relentless. The poison from my past had a way of steering me, giving me the desire to succeed. Success to me is having a place to live, food to eat, along with the ability to pay my utilities. Anything past that is a bonus in my world. I feel that people too often forget how rich they are. To have these things and look at them as though they’re expected. To have a job that pays you enough to live freely is a gift. One that I’ve always been grateful for. “An honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work.”

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I feel as though there are many who have either been handed everything, or never struggled in life. So often I hear people “hating” the very employer that has allowed them the ability to thrive. What is it that caused this seething within a human? At some point you were sitting in front of an H.R. employee, or perhaps a representative of a company selling yourself in hopes of making a better life for yourself, and perhaps a family. Once they gave you the nod and brought you in; how did this then become hate? I’ve had my moments with each of my employers over the years where I might have been upset about something, but it never rose to the level of hatred. If I ever become so unhappy at a workplace, I make a decision to weigh out the pros and cons of the job. If the cons override the pros, I move on. If the pros are on the higher side, I look for ways to adjust myself so that I can keep moving. Find balance.

I think my advice to most would come from the kid in me. Find a way to survive. Lean into what you have and find ways to make yourself happy. Success will follow. Be grateful for what you have, truly grateful. If you’re employed, working hard and have the necessities to keep going, you’re already winning. Then, ask yourself what it is that you need. I’m sure that we all have our idea of what we need. I like to look at things as a “need” and a “want.” Live within your means and find ways to relax while away from your employer. Work is a mechanism to support our survival. It will provide you with funds so that you can eat food, pay utilities, put gas in your car, send your kids to school, and again, thrive.

This has been sitting on my lists of things to cover for a few years. I’m glad that I have the opportunity to sit here at my computer and express my take on life and work. In years prior, I would’ve said nothing about this and simply looked at other humans as the predator, or the mark. Take a moment to look around you. If you’re reading this, I’m already assuming that you’re rich in your life. Ask yourself what it is that you “need.” What are the needs vs the wants? Find that balance in your life and you’ll be on your way to being happier. Me? It’s simple; I’m always going to stay on the hustle because it’s just who I am. I never want to go back to where I came from, so I enjoy what I have. I cherish my time away from work, but I’m grateful to be employed. My employer and my drive have brought me to a place that I never, as a child thought were possible. The gift I received from being a survivor was that I’ll never forget where I came from. The struggle that has been life has lead me to this road of success. I’m never going back.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~

The zombie file

Life seen through the eyes of Zombie

A Dream Within a Dream

Truth and accountability

National Suicide Prevention Month: Be the difference

Recharging Humanity: Embracing Empathy in Daily Life

Navigating Dreams and Darkness

The Path to Recovery: Embracing Life’s Trials

Detaching With Love

Facing the Storm

Don’t Let The Hard Days Win

The Hustle of Life: Lessons from Struggles