It’s said that “you can’t choose your family.” There’s some truth in that statement. When we arrive into this world, the parents that we receive aren’t chosen by us. Nor are the siblings that we are surrounded with. A bond is formed as time progresses and we’re taught that we are to love and protect one another. In many cases, our family members can become our best friends. There are also cases in which we become strangers. Family dynamics are something that I’ve dived into before. The complexities that have surrounded my family have been maddening at times, but I’ve always tried to stay the course. Time, space, and other factors get mixed in and things aren’t always what they seem. To say that I come from dysfunction is fair, but I also believe that all families have some level of dysfunction within their structure.

My life has been a blur at times. Things seem to move faster as time goes on. When I was younger, I wished to be older so that I would gain respect. Yeah, that’s not a thing, but I was young and still learning the world around me. I caution anyone who’s in a hurry to grow up to stop doing that. Slow down and enjoy being young. Enjoy all the things that children, tweens, and even teens should be doing. Life will speed up before you know it and you’ll be wondering, like the rest of us what happened and where all the time went.

Time spent with family also changes with time. When you’re younger and grouped together with your siblings, and parents, there is a level of comfort. You’re with the people that you’ve been around for years. Parents are supposed to be our everything when we’re young. Friendships start to develop, school, part-time jobs, – all the things that start to welcome you to the outside world. This can be exciting times. Learning that the world is so big, and that there are so many people out there who think and feel differently from what you’ve become accustomed to. This can also be an introduction to the darker side of things: People who are looking to feed on you before you’re mature enough to fend for yourself. That has been a big part of my story on here. The wolf that came in sheep’s clothing and changed my life forever.

Through everything, my love for my family and my desire to always protect them never wavered. I promised to never speak of my life in the underground in order to keep my family from harm. I took on the responsibility of the protector by sacrificing myself. All through my life I stayed close to my family. Forever watchful for any darkness that would try to find its way into the home. I gave warning when I sensed danger approaching. I took care of business when someone got too close or tried to harm my sisters. Even my father who was tough as nails had a habit of allowing bad people to remain in his orbit. I’d whisper my thoughts to him. He seldom listened to me, and just wrote me off as a paranoid child – not knowing that I was skilled in the art of deception myself. I was a professional voyeur and recognized evil. My sisters listened from time to time. Again, looking at me as the overprotective brother. Letting people find their own way even when you know it’s not going to go well is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. You can only wait until things get broken and hope that you’ll be able to help pick up the pieces and put them back together. It’s safe to say that I’ve always loved my sisters. Life lessons sometimes just have to be learned the hard way. I can’t save the world.

I’ve said before that if you’re in my circle, I’m fiercely loyal and protective. I’ll always step up to protect my family. While I didn’t choose them, there is still a bond that’s forged from years of being with one another. Not all family members are like this. Perhaps I should say that over time, they change. I think we can all agree that we probably don’t spend as much time around siblings as we’ve grown older. Perhaps a get together in the summer or around a holiday. It’s understandable because life ramps up, kids come into the picture, jobs, all the things. Some might even take your company for granted. This is where things become murky.

My mother (rest in peace) learned from her mother before her how to divide and conquer. What I mean by this is that she would tell one of her children something and the other something completely different. This caused friction between siblings. A friction that only the mother could then control. A master of puppets if you will. This carried through the family and caused issues as we became adults. There was always something that we were mad at each other about. My sister Gini seemed to get caught up in the web of deception on numerous occasions and would stay angry for months or longer at a time. Jealousy and betrayal were words that I could use to describe what was happening. All of it was based on nothing. Then when my mother was in her final month of life, she pulled me aside and asked me to repair the damage. To make the family whole again. She placed at my feet the burden of trying to repair what she had broken. I’d already started a group text with my sisters so that we were all aware of what was really being said. It was the beginning. Hoping it would grow and we could all be whole again.

Years later, I’ve discovered that not only was it unfair for my mother to place that weight on me, but it was a task that was undeliverable. Even as siblings, we’re all humans first. Humans make their own choices and will do things even when you attempt to warn them. Some things are just broken beyond repair. It’s taken me time to understand all of this, but I do now. One of the sayings from Al-anon was to learn to “detach with love.” Meaning that you need to let them go, but it doesn’t mean that you stop loving them. The other thing that always comes to mind is the poem “Reasons, Seasons and Lifetime”. While you’d think that family falls directly into Lifetime, that’s not always the case. I’ve seen it in my own family in different generations, and I’ve watched it play out in other families. We’re flawed humans, and we don’t always make the right moves. When this happens now…I simply detach with love.

Part of the discussion with my sister Leanna on our walk today was life going forward. I told her that I’ve been isolated throughout so much of my life, when people drop out of it I wonder will it hurt me later down the road? When my circle becomes smaller, will I feel that my decisions were a mistake? My thought today is no. I loved my parents dearly. While I speak of my mother’s flaws, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t care about her all the way to the end. It simply means that I saw through those flaws and allowed her to be who she was. There have been moments with my siblings when I just shook my head in disbelief over things either said or done. It doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving any of them. I had to find it within myself to keep moving forward. Perhaps they were a Reason or a Season as well. Maybe it was their job to look over me during a period of time and then set me free. All things that I think about on my journey through this life.

As always, thank you so much for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~