So, I’ve made it through another week. I’m not sure what keeps gnawing at me but I feel uneasy. A regular trip to Costco caused anxiety to kick into high gear. Aisles felt too tight, people rushing all around me became dizzying. I usually do well in this environment, but today felt different. I’ve been busy self analyzing (which you shouldn’t do) and come up with nothing. To describe the feeling, it’s like you can see and feel a storm on the horizon. I feel the breeze picking up, the change in the air temperature, the colors before me turn dark. Something is brewing…I just don’t know what it is.

After my last session with my counselor we’ve decided to push forward with EMDR. (EMDR therapy, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, is a psychotherapy technique designed to help individuals process and heal from traumatic memories.) I have several sessions scheduled as this is the best way to dig into what’s going on. I’ve stated before that this is helpful therapy for me, but I also tend to be nervous, and perhaps a little frightened. If you’re wondering why I’d be scared, it’s because this opens up doors to things that you’ve slammed shut. The numerous traumas that you’ve experienced all want to come back to the surface. When you’ve spent a lifetime hiding things away, this can be overwhelming.

Let me say that I trust my counselor implicitly. She has guided me through so much already. I have no reason to fear her at this point. What I fear is what lies beneath the surface. The storm that is waiting and ready to unleash its full power. I’ll try to put this into perspective so that it’s palatable. Let’s say that you witness an armed robbery. You see the violence that’s involved, the gun being wheeled around and pointed at some innocent person’s face. All of this happens in a matter of moments, but your brain records all of it in slow motion. While it records it, it can also distort what you’ve seen. Your brain has a way of trying to protect you. It immediately begins damage control. Placing items into boxes and storing them away so that you’re able to go about your day. The adrenaline dump can cause your nervous system to go at super high speeds. Again, the brain works to slow you down, bring you back to earth. When you’ve experienced horrible situations on a regular basis, your brain becomes overloaded. So much so that it can just shut down. I’ve talked about these moments when triggered by something. How things spin out of control and I just shut down. The ultimate in protection is to seal everything away. My brain has taken a huge portion of my life and has placed the most traumatic parts into boxes, and stored them under lock and key. The reason: to protect my sanity.

This brings us to doing the EMDR. This process helps you to unpack the boxes slowly and with care. Thus, keeping me safe from the harm that my brain felt was too much at that time. I’ve found in previous sessions with EMDR that numerous things that I’d seen and never thought for a moment were causing me harm were the worst offenders. While the brain is protective, it’s also clever. The problem with how everything has been stored is that it’s been stored in a container that, after sitting for years, is now leaking. All of the ugliness has begun leaching into your entire system. It’s now poisoning you while it runs its course through your veins. EMDR is used to remediate things that are causing you harm.

I’ve reached another plateau in my drive to become whole. Do I fear what is waiting inside of my stored boxes? Absolutely, but I understand that in order for me to find the peace that I desire within myself, I have to do the work. As my counselor stated previously “you’ll go through these ups and downs for the rest of your life.” Knowing that, don’t you think it’s better to face the storm head on? Leaving things unresolved leads to more fractures and further feelings of unhappiness. Finding a way out of this is what I desire. I can’t change the things that have happened to me. I also can’t just say that they’re all in the past. While they reside in the past, my brain has held the darkness tightly. It’s time to release it, but in a controlled environment, and with care.

I’ll hold it together until I begin my process. I’ve gained strength through the years. The idea that I’m sitting here telling the world all of my secrets is proof that I’m progressing. This is part of my therapy and a reason to keep going. I know that others suffer greatly, and I see you. Something else that’s come about over the years is that I’ve begun carrying other’s burdens as if they were my own. I’ve seen the hurt in eyes and wanted to remove it. I need to understand that my story is my own and that I can write about my journey, share my feelings, but I mustn’t take on anyone else’s pain. The load that I carry now can be too much at times. To add extra weight is an act of futility.

The storm is coming, I feel it. I’d like to think that the vessel is strong enough to weather this storm. Not only weather it, but come through it to the other side where calm waters await me. Thank you for reading this entry today. I need to purge these feelings, or at least say them out loud so that it all feels real. My world was a secret for most of my life. I don’t want it to be a secret any longer.

Thank you for following along on my journey.

~Robert/Zombie~